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Cigar Jokes
Whenever I sit down with my friends in the bar, and smoke a cigar, I have a relax and come feeling, that makes me want to laugh. In my opinion there isnt any better joke to tell while smoking, then a joke, which is related to cigars. In the last 5 years I collected at least 40 cigar jokes, here are the best I among them. If you know any cigar jokes, cigar stories or other items of cigar humor, please drop us a line.
That's my favorite cigar joke
Vodka, Cigars or Lawyers?
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. T he others are quite impressed.
The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that, he throws the pack of cigars through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
Slowly, the American just stands up, with a superior smile.
He opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...
And this is more that I have collected in the past 25 years
Cigar Insurance
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
Cigar Questions
Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.
Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.
When they met again, one was puffing away.
"But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin," protested the other.
"What did you ask him?" said the first.
"I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, 'No.'"
"Well," said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, "I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!"
Moral of the Story: The answer you get depends on the question you ask.
Not Here, Sir!
The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here."
The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't!! I just bought the damn thing here!"
"Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here too.
Cigar Communication
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
All the Better to Light Your Cigar
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
"I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
Addiction to Cigars
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
Missing Cigar
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says "See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
Cigars for The Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but signed the plaintiff's name.
The Scotsman's Conscience
The purchasing agent of a big jobbing concern was a Scotchman.
He gave an extensive order to a salesman for a supply house.
Although he had obtained the business in open competition, the salesman felt gratitude at being favored and sought a way to show it. He knew he dare not offer the Scot a commission; likewise a gift of money, he figured, would be regarded as an insult. The Scot, he noticed, constantly smoked cigars. So the salesman slipped out to a cigar store and bought a box containing fifty of the finest Havanas the tobacconist carried in stock. The price for the fifty was fifteen dollars. He brought the box back and asked the purchasing agent to accept it with his compliments.
The latter explain that it was against the policy of his house for its buyers to accept presents of any sort from those with whom the concern did business. He was sorry, he said, but he could not take the cigars as a present, even though he felt sure his young friend had tendered them with the best of intentions and in absolute good faith.
The salesman had another idea: "Well," he said, "I hate to throw these cigars away. They are of no use to me - I smoke only cigarettes. I wonder if you would buy them from me? - there is no harm in that, I am sure."
"What would you be asking for them?" inquired the prudent Scot.
"I'll sell the whole fifty to you for a nickel," stated the salesman.
The purchasing agent lifted one of the cigars from the top row, smelled it, rolled it in his fingers and eyed it closely.
"Very well," he said, "at that price I'll take four boxes.
Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex
You can GET cigars.
You can safely have cigars while you are driving.
You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.
You can have cigars even in front of your mother.
Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off cigars.
You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with cigars.
With cigars there's no need to fake it.
Cigars don't make you pregnant.
You can have cigars at any time of the month.
Good cigars are easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.
When you have great cigars it doesn't keep your neighbours awake
With cigars size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!
Cigars in Space
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.
Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA Okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"
Dumb Laws
We're told that there is still a law on the books in Zion, Illinois, that makes it illegal to give a lighted cigars to cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals.
But is it OK to give one to a wild animal, we ask?
Bobcats with Baccarats? Squirrels with Sabor Cubanos? Foxes with Fuentes? Vipers with Voilas? Coyotes with Comachos.
If you can give us an update on this law, or let us in on any other crazy laws on cigars, please let us know!
Crotchless Underwear
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work, lit his favorite cigar and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs
"Honey would you like some of this?"
"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
Breakfast
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, a chewed cigar hanging from his mouth and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".
A second opinion
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends, confident he could he lit a robusto lent back in his chair and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'
It's Better to be a man
Why it's great to be a man:
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Just Wondering
Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
Why did God give men nipples?
Is grass really greener on the other side?
Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
Why does X stand for a kiss?
Why do we itch?
Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
Why do old women dye their hair blue?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time. |
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